I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
