new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
