everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Randomize
