so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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