I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
