Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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