My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
