i think my tv is drunk
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
