hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
