Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
