the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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