My cat gives me a boner
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
