everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
