Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
