Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
