I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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