He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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