Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
