"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You ruined the universe
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