That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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