ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
