I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
