Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
