So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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