I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
