there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
This is the high leading the old right now
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
