I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
