We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
