"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
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