He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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