At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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