when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
