He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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