I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
