When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
