hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
