On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
it's not cheating when I paid for it
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
