Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
