I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
why is half of my head shaved?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
