Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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