So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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