you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
