Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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