pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
