I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'm just crazy horny about you
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
