if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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