Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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