I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
