i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
