I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
