We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
