where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
