put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
